


The P3N15 Virus

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Fuck Or Die, crack porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-08
Updated: 2010-08-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:17:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dethklok contacts the dreaded P3N15 virus, which causes intense itching all over the body and can only be eased anally.  (Basically and excuse to write crack porn.)<br/>Pairings: T/S, S/N, T/C, N/P, C/MF<br/>Warnings: Crack porn, not very graphic but lots of it.  Also, basically redesigning Mordhaus to suit my purposes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The P3N15 Virus

**Author's Note:**

> And because scratching a horrible itch has to be one of _the very best_ feelings there is, and I think you knows it.

It had started suddenly, during a band meeting.  
Murderface had been scratching his arm, nothing too unusual there. But soon they were all scratching someplace, Charles included.  
Recognizing that something contagious was going on, Charles ordered a lock down of this wing and all employees Mordland-wide checked for symptoms. He scratched madly at his leg, resistance was futile.

All reports came back negative, it was apparently limited to the six of them. Everyone else had been evacuated from ths wing, and a very twitchy and squirmy Charles was attempting to type on his laptop, hunting for answers. It was very slow going, given his current state.  
The itching had reached extreme levels very fast, and no amount of scratching seemed to have any effect on it.

“Oatmeal!” Pickles stood up, still scratching. “I gat real bad poison ivy once, oatmeal baths make ya itch less!”  
“LET’S GO GET SOME OATMEAL!” Nathan led a mad charge for the kitchen, which was conveniently included in their lock down area.  
Unsure where it would be, the five of them ransacked the kitchen hunting for it. Skwisgaar finally found it, a giant super economy size box on a high shelf. “Oatmeals!”

But there was a problem! All their rooms (except Toki’s) were on the other side of the blocks! How were they all going to take oatmeal baths? They scratched madly as they tried to think.  
“Let’sch juscht dump in in the hot tub.” Murfderface was already showing claw marks on his unprotected knees.  
What an excellent idea! The itching hoard stampeded to the hot tub (also conveniently included) and dumped the whole box in. It frothed up in a disgusting manner.

They stripped as quickly as very itchy people can and all jumped in.  
There was _some_ relief, but not very much. Still, the jets created a scratching-like effect, which at least made them claw at themselves less.  
Charles, seeing no option, set his laptop in the side and stripped too. This was highly unprofessional of him, but he didn’t care right now! He sank into the sludge with them, then twisted around to keep searching for a solution.

****

An hour later, they were sitting in what had become a hot tub full of slime. (Way over cooked oatmeal has a tendency to do that.) They were all still scratching listlessly, even though it did no good.  
Murderface suddenly sank below the “water” and didn’t come back up. Reaching over, Nathan hauled him up by the hair. “No! You don’t get to kill yourself, you have to suffer with the rest of us!”  
Murderface just glared at him, but resumed his seat.

“I’ve found it!” Charles suddenly had their attention, or as much attention as they could spare in their current miserable state. “It’s called the P three N one five virus, and... Oh dear.”  
“Dude, jest tell us there’s a cure!”  
“There’s... there’s not a cure.” Charles forced himself to go on, “However, the symptoms can be eased with... er, internal stimulation.” They were all staring at him blankly. “This means that scratching your skin does no good, you have to scratch... inside. Um, this website recommends anal sex.” There, he’d said it.

Toki surprised them by bolting out of the hot tub and running off in the direction of his room, slipping and almost falling due to the ooze he was dripping with.  
Whatever. Before they could bother to wonder, they were distracted by Skwisgaar’s all too sensual moan of relief.  
Nathan stared at him in horror. “Skwisgaar, what the fuck are you doing?! Do you, like, have your fingers in your ass?”  
“Ja!” He moaned again. “It ams _helpings_! A little anyways...”

Pickles shrugged, he was too miserable to care what the others thought, and stuck a finger up his own ass. It did help! Well, a tiny bit anyway.  
Nathan, Murderface, and Charles were avoiding eye contact, unwilling to just jump into this. It didn’t seem to be working all that great, Skwisgaar’s initial moans had turned to whines of desperate disappointment. It seemed that he couldn’t quite “scratch” it all, or well enough.

Toki walked back in, looking blissfully itch-free.  
Realization dawned. “He’sch got that schtrap on dildo! That’sch gay!”  
Toki just shrugged, “I don’ts really care, at least I’s not itchies anymore.” He sat on the side of the hot tub.  
Skwisgaar grabbed him. “Toki, you gots to lets me uses it! I can’t takes dis anymores!” He saw from Toki’s expression that it wasn’t going to happen, and crumpled back. “Somebody fucks me please, I really can’t takes dis anymore... _please_...”

Nathan stared at him. Skwisgaar was willing to do _that_? But if it made the itch stop... “I don’t know about you, but there’s no way I can get a boner right now. Not that I’m offering or anything.”  
“Schit, he’sch right!”  
Pickles narrowed his eyes. “Wait... Toki’s naught itchin’... Toki can fuck us.”  
They all turned to him. Wide eyed, Toki tried to scramble back but he wasn’t quick enough, they grabbed him and pulled him back in. He went under, fighting to get loose.

They pulled him up, but were pulling him in different directions. “STOPS! I can’ts fucks nobody if you all rips me apart!”  
“Let him go!” Charles had somehow resisted the grabbing party, and decided to step in.  
They released him, and Toki shrank back against the side, watching them all warily. He jumped as long fingers suddenly wrapped around his dick, and turned to meet Skwisgaar’s desperate gaze.   
The others watched impatiently, but knowing that if _Skwisgaar_ couldn’t seduce him then they had no chance.

“Please Toki? I’ll sucks your dick...”  
That was an offer he couldn’t pass up! A little hesitantly, Toki nodded.  
“Sits back up on de sides.” Toki obeyed. “Goods.” Skwisgaar dove in, sucking like his life (or at least his sanity) depended on it. Maybe it did!  
That was good enough. Skwisgaar backed off, turning to lean over the side of the hot tub. “Fucks me now, oh please fucks me... Before I fucking kills mineself.”

Toki hesitated again. “We don’ts got no lube.”  
“Dude, we’re covered in slime, I don’t think that’s gonna be a prabhlem. Jest fuck ‘im already.”  
“Okays.” They needed him, he could do this! Toki stepped up and stuck it in.  
It went in with surprising ease, most likely because there’d just been an unknown number of fingers up there. Skwisgaar writhed and moaned as his terrible itching was _finally_ easing. “Oh fucks, harders! A little to de left... Rights dere! Harders!”

Soon Skwisgaar was limp with relief. “Okays, I tink you gots it all. Phew.”  
Toki pulled out, trying to act like it wasn’t weird that he’d just fucked Skwisgaar right in front of everybody. They were all staring at him with freakishly hungry expressions. “Oh shits. Skwisgaar!” He pounded the limp man on the back. “Skwisgaar, you gots to helps me!”  
It seemed to dawn on them that they had two choices now.  
Toki was just hoping they’d attack Skwisgaar instead.

“Wait!” Charles scratched himself commandingly. “We need a plan, it’s not fair to expect Toki to fuck us all!”  
“Yeah, I can’t fucks everybodies!”  
“I get it,” Murderface glared at them all and scratched, “Nobody wantsch to fuck me. You’re juscht gonna let me schuffer!”  
“I’ll do it.” Charles swallowed hard. It was his job to take care of them, after all. “One of you fuck me, and I’ll... fuck Murderface.”  
“I’ll fuck Pickles!” Nathan just didn’t want to be last.

Toki and Skwisgaar turned to each other. “Well, Nathans or Charles, which one ams you wantings?”  
“I don’ts know!” Toki didn’t have time to think, they weren’t going to let them stall. “Um... Charles?” He was smaller, and therefore less scary? Something like that anyway.  
Nathan and Charles assumed the position while Pickles and Murderface looked on in impatient envy. Pickles a little less so, since he still had a few fingers “scratching” as far as he could reach. (Which wasn’t very far.)

Toki eased into Charles, who was trying to restrain his whimpers of relief.  
Nathan had no such restraint. “Don’t you dare go easy on me, you skinny fuck!” Skwisgaar gave up on his half ass attempt to be nice and just rammed it home, causing Nathan to howl. “HARDER, DAMNIT! GIVE ME ALL YOU’VE GOT!”  
“Fines! Don’t fuckings throws me offs!” Skwisgaar wrapped one hand in long black hair and held on while he fucked Nathan as hard as he could.  
Nathan twisted and snarled, they were like wild animals!

Distracted by the spectacle going on across the hot tub, Toki had slowed his pace.  
Charles couldn’t stand it anymore, he needed harder and deeper! His abused control finally snapped.  
Toki found himself shoved off and thrown down on his back. Before he could even react, Charles was on him, straddling him and sinking down his cock.  
Charles rode him hard, _finally_ getting the relief he so badly needed, his hair hanging in his face and his eyes wild.

Nathan was now sitting on the edge while Pickles sucked his dick, Skwisgaar had sunk back down in the hot tub.  
Now freed from Charles, Toki sank back next to him.  
All business again, Charles was fucking Murderface, who didn’t even care anymore how gay it might be, he’d suffered long enough. He did his best to keep quiet though.  
Pickles urged Nathan down on his back and climbed on with a groan of relief, he hadn’t been able to reach very far on his own. Nathan though, Nathan “scratched” him _so_ good...

Soon they were all itch free, but still sitting in a hot tub full of oatmeal slime.  
Charles had gone back to his laptop, looking for more information. “Hmm, it seems that we’re only contagious when we’re itchy, so we’re free to go get cleaned up.”  
“Huh? You mean we’re not, you know, cured?”  
“No, apparently there is no cure. But the symptoms shouldn’t reoccur too often.” He looked up at them, wanting to make sure they understood. “You all have to be careful not to spread this. If you feel yourself starting to itch, deal with it before it gets bad.”

Murderface was the first to object. “Scho you’re schaying that I have to get fucked in the assch every time I itch? That’sch bullschit!”  
“Well I’m sorry, but that seems to be the only treatment. You’re welcome to acquire a dildo and take care of it yourself, that seemed to work fine for Toki. Or you may come to any of us for sex.” Charles noticed the rest of the band staring at him in horror, and amended that last statement. “Well, you may come to me anyway.” The things he did for this job...

Released from their tub of ooze and free to go shower, they climbed out and wandered off toward their various rooms, leaving slime trails like huge death metal slugs. Naked ones.  
Charles (also still naked) gave orders for the hot tub to be drained and cleaned, and for the entire room to be sanitized. Then he went to clean himself up.  
He had a lot of paperwork to do, it couldn’t get out that there had been a P3N15 outbreak in Mordhaus.  
It was only a matter of time before the itch returned...


End file.
